Reflections

Reflections back at me, of all the things I cannot be. Sadness, hurt and pain, but feelings which create a selfish ring.

I could do this, I could do that, but now I find I can't and inadequacy reflects back. No longer young, not so pretty, not so strong, feelings hurt, but this is wrong.....for me to feel, and reflects back a selfish zeal. Wallowing in self-pity, sadness for that which is gone, just a memory, now a sad, sad song.

Once upon a time, reflections of a woman, young and strong, independent, fearless - able to do so much, now I can do so little, but to write, and try to make others laugh. The laughter I bring, makes happiness a reflection to this pain, but it is so little in what I see in others and I feel all slipping away - a ripple in the water, reflections of long past days.....

I reach out but no one is there, I cannot speak, I am ashamed of the reflection I see there. I hear the words in my head, how can you feel this way, when so many others are far worse off than the reflections I see today.

So, my pain stays inside, buried deep down and I cry quietly, in a place where I cannot be seen-but the reflection of the pain remains-a reminder again and again, of all those things I cannot be....and how I feel, can't you see? Yes, I see - it's all my fault - my feelings only matter to me.

So, enjoy the fantasy of all the things I can never be. Reflections of image and sound - shroud the truth of emotion felt so deep, so down, in my heart and spirit, but which can never be spoken aloud - just a reflection of truth to me, but fantasy for you, it has to be.

Svhyeyi Aga
Cherokee
April 6, 2002
© Evening Rain 2002